What Happens to a Dream Derailed?

 

Several Years Back

It is almost twenty minutes past five, in the morning. But I am yet to know that because I am sleeping. There is distant noise. I barely register it at the periphery of my brain. It is now growing louder, and more intense. It is persistent and annoying, as all persistent things are wont to be. Finally I wake up. It is my mother knocking at the bedroom door. I reach for the bedside stool and grope for my plastic watch in darkness. It has a small light at the side that enables you see the time display when switched on. I switch it on, 5.20 AM

I sit up in the bed. Today, I am not grumpy, nor do I miss my sleep. I am excited. No, I am more hopeful than excited. Today portends hope. And hope can sometimes be a huge trigger for adrenaline.

I find my mum by the door of the house.

“Go fetch Micah.” She casually directs me. She also hands me the torch.

That is when I notice the darkness. I don’t hesitate.

A few minutes late, I am knocking at Micah’s door. Micah is our neighbour. He lives two hundred metres away from our home. He also helps us at the farm.

“What is it?” He asks.

“No Micah, the question you should be asking is who is it?” I say before identifying myself.

When he opens the door, he laughs and tells me that if it was a bad person, he could not have answered his question.

I am grateful when I see Micah in a sweater. It means he is ready for the task of helping one of our cows calf. It is an emergency and those well versed in this skill normally respond with haste when summoned. Occasion and time notwithstanding. A cow is a valuable investment. A calving cow is only more valuable.

The cow has already calved when we get home. Dad has done it. He is dressing up after cleaning himself up. He is wearing a jacket to complete his suit. A black suit. I am hopeful because today may end with good news.

****

This Year, 2014

Today I read an article in the newspaper that took me several years back. It is about Ken. Ken walked a hundred and twenty kilometres to Kakamega High School to beg the principal to admit him. He could not even afford bus fare for one way. He showed up in the school, all sweaty, I imagine, and dirty from the long walk and requested to see the principal.

Ken, like many of us whose only ticket to a better life is education, had a dream. But it hinged on money. He passed his KCPE. But that was it. No one could get him the money he required to join a national school. He had qualified, complete with a letter, but that didn’t matter. Because if he didn’t show up after a number of days, some name in some waiting list somewhere would legitimately or illegitimately replace his. It is a jungle out here.

Ken was lucky. Every inch of his body must have hurt, but he kept his dream alive. He was admitted to the school even without a pen, leave alone a mattress. I would love to know how he is faring.

That is one dream protected. The story reminded of a dream derailed.

*******

Several Years Back

It is evening. Tata is back. He came back quietly and slipped into bed. I keep my hopes high. I have been an obedient boy for the day. I have actually been an obedient boy on all the days that Tata has made this journey. And most of the days in between. It is as if by being good, I am willing good karma in my way. I am influencing the universe to send me good vibes and make my dad’s mission a success.

But with every negative feedback he brings home, I engage negative emotions. At first, I used to get mad, really mad. This changed to disappointment. I am still at disappointment although a hint of indifference is creeping in. But today, I am slightly hopeful. He didn’t go alone. He went with the Headmaster of my former school. Surely, that meant something.

Tata is now at the table. He is eating. He waited till we had retired to bed before coming out. But I creep to the door. He is telling mum about his journey. He is angry, but his anger is subdued by a sense of helplessness. He can’t give his son the thing he wants most at the moment. He deserves it because he earned it. But it was denied him. Because it is a jungle out there.

He curses, and gives a story of how the deputy principal called the principal from his office. The principal told the deputy to tell my dad that he was not in the school, while in fact he was in his house at the teachers’ quarters. The conversation happened in their tongue, a language they assumed dad did not understand. My dad speaks four Kenyan languages.

I am disappointed. The following day, Tata is not home when I wake up. He had made the journey again. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t wait anymore. It is a month and half into the school term. Other form ones have advanced. If I don’t go to school soon, I will miss a lot. But most importantly, I am tired of my dad being humiliated.

I locate my mum . I tell her I will attend the school that “called” me. They chose me. I am number one on their list. At least, they want me.

The next day, I report to school. In home clothes and open shoes. I change into school uniform at the deputy principal’s office. From then on I laugh at anything serious. Anything positive about me. I have an ingrained thought that some of us do not deserve some things. And no matter how hard we work, we will never get them. Because we are not rich. Like the kid from my class in primary school who got admitted to the national school that my dad was making endless trips to despite me beating him by 60 points.

I crack jokes about most things serious. I laugh a lot. Especially at myself. It is subconscious. I don’t realize it till some kid we were with in primary school casually points it out. I only put in enough effort to see through. To get enough. To maintain my place.

Somewhere in between all these, I get on a TED talk by one Ory Okolloh. She shares an experience that is similar to mine. But she responded to hers differently. Then my mind clears and I understand whatever I have been going through. And I remember my dream. And I am grateful that it is not lost, neither was it deferred, it is a dream derailed.

What happens to a dream deferred, does it dry up like a raisin in the sun…for me I know what happens to dream derailed, it can go out of control and crash or it can be brought back on course.

But what happened to Ken’s dream is wonderful. That is a dream protected,